Wisconsin Autism Empowerment

At a recent group meeting we had a discussion about saying ‘no’.  It seems a simple topic.  But it’s a tough action to take for so many of us.  We live in a society that doesn’t respect boundaries. 

A few key points came out in our chatting on this.  Many find they just say yes, agreeing to things they really don’t want to out of a sense of social obligation.  Our culture pushes us to be ‘agreeable’.  Which sets us up to be targets for others use. 

Another issue is the societal pattern I call ‘gaming the yes’.  It’s where someone asks you to do something and you don’t want to but say ‘yes’ but do say yes, with no actual intention of following through.  Right at the point of saying it you know you won’t be doing what you’ve agreed to. 

For example, ‘Sandy will you come to our party Thursday night?’  First feeling, dread, I really wanted a quiet home time that evening.  But it’s not scheduled time, it was free time I was looking forward to.  So technically I’m available to go, based on societal rules.  Second feeling wave, trapped, obligated, afraid to hurt their feelings.  I hear myself say ‘yes, I’d love to come, thanks for inviting me’.  Sounds like a script because it is, the social expectations of etiquette script.  Inside I’m screaming why did I do that, I really wanted, needed reset time.   But I know I’m not really going to that party, even as the words leave my mouth.  I will ‘forget’, be ‘sick’, too tired or simply no-show. 

A more honest answer would have been ‘no’.  Society pushes us to explain a ‘no’ yet doesn’t expect an explanation for a ‘yes’.  Harmful double standard when in most cases a ‘yes’ takes so much more from us than a ‘no’.   In this example a short ‘no’ would feel like a rejection of the person inviting even if it’s not meant that way.  Giving a short honest yet not detailed explanation would be a gentle way of declining the invitation.  Something like ‘thanks for the invite but I am busy that night’.  It says you’re glad to be included in their social event. It says you have something else going on.  Spending time at home regrouping is an appointment with yourself, that is a schedule commitment.  

The discussion started with a person cornered by a pushy person.  These are the folks who don’t respect ‘no’ even when it’s said outright.  With these people a strong, repeated ‘NO’ is all required.  They wouldn’t listen to an explanation offered and you don’t owe them one.  If they still don’t respect your boundary physically walking away, shutting a door in front of them, ignoring and moving on are all OK.  Another person doesn’t get to control you. 

A woman in our group mentioned the pressure to just go along to avoid conflict but then feel so pressured the no becomes a ‘NO!’ This is societal expectations for women to be complacent and agreeable putting us in a forced response position.  There are so many layers of ‘no’ we can use that seem less direct such as ‘I’m not comfortable with that’ or ‘let me think on it’.  A common one is being pushed to give you phone number.  An easy and safer out is to say ‘give me your number instead’.   Safety wise, saying ‘no’ to the phone number request can escalate into a dangerous situation if the perceived rejection triggers someone. 

Ideally we say ‘no’ when we want to.  Not pressured into a disingenuous answer.  But if we’re pressured and it results in a dramatic ‘NO!’ that’s ok.  The asker wasn’t listening to our non-answer no by repeating the ask again and again.  They weren’t giving us the space to answer as we actually want to, instead pushing for the answer they want.  This is a time when they deserve that dramatic ‘NO!’ so don’t feel bad for giving it to them.  If a private answer becomes an embarrassing public scene because they badgered you it may teach them a hard lesson. 

I’m sure this topic will come up in future meetings.  It’s an issue for all of us.  Oh and be ready…I may be asking you to do some roles for our group so start thinking what your honest answer will be and I will respect it 😊.